does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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