I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
