i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
