go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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