Got a toothbrush?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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