I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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