I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
