tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
