Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
