Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
