how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
