I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
