Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
