my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
