just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
