maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
