Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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