my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
