I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
