At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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