I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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