Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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