I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
