She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
