This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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