if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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