Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
