this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
