finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
