Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
