someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
