I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
