she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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