I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
