Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
