I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there's paper in my vomit.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
