You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish you could order shots online.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
