i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
