Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Randomize
