hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
