It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
