So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
