i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
