and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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