Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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