my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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