My friends, they love my intelligence
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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