A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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