I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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