never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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