who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
