I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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