Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
