Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
