I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
